George and the Blue Phone.

Scene: Whitehouse bedroom of George and Laura Bush. It is 2:00 a.m. and the Blue Phone rings.

Laura: Who is it?
George: It’s the blue phone.
Laura: Oh my God!
George: Yes.

George: Hey big guy…ya kinda woke me up.

God: How often do I call George?

George: right sir.

Laura: Tell him I said howdy.

George: Laura says…

God: {interrupting} Listen George, I’d love to chit-chat but I’ve got people yapping at me from all over the place—and this middle east thing—Oi, gevald!

George: I hear ya big guy…ya know just the other day…

God: George! Did you hear me say people are yapping at me. Listen up. I’ve decided to take time out for a little R&R-- comprende?

George: not really sir…

God: I’m tired George…I need a tan. I was going to put the pope in charge but he went and opened his big mouth about the Muslims and now I’m all distracted. I can’t concentrate on prayers, I can’t keep track of who's coming and who's going…

George: Gee sir…

God: That brings me back to why I called George. It’s come to my attention that the majority of the free world hates you.

George: hates a pretty strong word, don’t you think sir?

God: They hate you George. They swim in their hate…they eat it for breakfast and teach it to their children…which is exactly why I want you to take over while I’m gone.

George: I appreciate your forthright nature big guy…and I’m honored that you thought of me…but, seriously, I really have a lot on my plate right now.

God: I’m sorry that I gave you the impression that you have a choice in the matter George. The long and short of it is they blame you for everything anyway. It’s a good time for me to slip out.

George: You think so too? I thought I was just getting paranoid…

God: Let’s see George…the conflict in the middle east, gas prices, layoffs, Katrina…is it true you blew up the levees George?

George: Um…no sir… levee money was used for something else way before I got here…

God: sure George… although it does seem odd that that Nagin fellow slid under the radar of the publics wrath…but who needs Nagin when they have you?! I tell you George, they absolutely hate you! {chuckling} you know what they say…bad publicity is better than no publicity at all…

George: Thank you sir…I’ll keep that in mind.

God: So, where was I…oh yes…layoffs…

George: Actually, sir, the economy is in good shape…the stock market is about to set a record high…

God: yadda, yadda yadda George. What about 9/11? That was quite a pretty piece of publicity work—putting the blame on those poor Muslims—what is that funny name you made up?

George: Al Quaida, sir?

God: Al Quaida…Al Quaida... Why would you blow up all of those innocent people George?

George: I didn’t… blow…up…any…people! No offense sir, but, aren’t you supposed to be omniscient or something?

God: Yeah, yeah but with all of the commotion—Brad and Anjolina, that racial thing on Survivor and that lame-brained pope… I’ve gotten a little lazy and just started flipping on CNN.

George: So I take it you’ve been following Iraq?

God: Now there’s a hot potato isn’t it George?

George: a real doozy sir…ya know you aren’t making me feel better here big guy…

God: that’s the point dubbya…it ain’t going to get any better. It doesn’t matter what I do… hurricanes, pestilance, global warming--it’s all your fault George and to be honest--I’m all over that. I just don’t need the aggravation anymore. I’ve been around a really long time.

George: So when will you be leaving?

God: Well, I’ve got a huge pile of prayer requests—luckily that “Path to 9-11” show on ABC is over…I can get all those Clinton people off my back. Let’s see, I’ve got a father-son golf tournament with Jesus on Wednesday—and a couple of hurricanes swirling around out there in the Atlantic—but you can handle that…can’t ya boy?

George: Yes sir…feel free to pile it on.

God: You know George, when I nudged things in your direction after the last two elections…I had no idea just how well it would work out.

George: Yes, sir…don’t let me forget to thank you for that.